Fear.

So lately I’ve been putting my life under a full microscope dissecting my behavior and where most of my problems stem from. After days of thinking, praying and back to back confirmation, I have come to the realization that every single problem in my life has stemmed from fear. Not just fear, its friends doubt and anxiety as well. You know how they say that most of your problems begin as a child? Well let’s go all the way back to little Elle. For as long as I could remember, I’ve just been just afraid..afraid of failure, afraid of people and afraid of being seen. Like I said in my New Years resolutions, I’ve made a conscious decision towards growth. A little known fact about me is that I’m a low-key perfectionist, which I’m able to mask well by my nonchalant behavior, I’m not very anal about things. You know what I found out though? Being a perfectionist who was afraid of failure wasn’t something that was going to work, I say this because if something wasn’t going the way that I wanted for it to go I would drop it because I felt like I couldn’t do it or I wouldn’t be able to do it.

But I’ve learned that…

“I can do all things [which He has called me to do] through Him who strengthens and empowers me [to fulfill His purpose—I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency; I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses me with inner strength and confident peace.]”

Philippians 4:13 ♥

By afraid of people I don’t mean like literally scared of people or being around them..by that I mean like being afraid of anyone getting to know me, the real me. To be honest I am struggling to write this, because for some reason I feel like I’m shedding my skin and exposing myself. Quite uncomfortable. I was born in Haiti and came to this country when I was 5 years old, went to school and did not speak a lick of English (ha ha, look at me now!). Anyways, as a child facing something like that was very hard for me and I remember being made fun of and not wanting to go to school because I couldn’t interact with the other children the way I’d desired. From that experience and many others that followed, I built a wall around myself and a terrible superiority complex which of course came with a lot of anger. In my mind I thought, well they don’t want to talk to me or they want to hurt me, so I’m going to make them feel 10 times worse than they could ever make me feel again, and to think all this came from me being afraid of what others would do to me! I spent years hurting others to the point where I felt numb, that was a big realization for me because I am literally an extremely  caring and sensitive person, hurting others would literally hurt me, but my fear of them hurting me caused my wrath to come on stronger. I sincerely apologize to anyone who Is reading that I have hurt , I was and am still growing.

But you know what though?

“The Lord is on my side; I will not fear.
What can [mere] man do to me?”

Psalms 118:6 ♥

Being seen is another fear that I’ve had, by seen I mean that I DO NOT like any sort of attention on me! I fear being the center of attention and having people look at me. I’m not sure why, but I have literally always been that way.

But I now know that…

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity or cowardice or fear, but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of sound judgment and personal discipline [abilities that result in a calm, well-balanced mind and self-control].

2 Timothy 1:7♥

I’ve always wondered if others felt the same. Hit me up! Comment and tell me about some fears you’ve had to overcome in order to get past a stagnant stage in your life!

God Bless You All!!!♥♥♥

 


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2 thoughts on “Fear.

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